Memorial to Loki

I got home Monday evening to sad news; while I was driving home from L.A. and Dave was at work, Loki died. We're not sure why...she was lethargic after her vaccinations a week ago Saturday and that same day, the two little boy kittens went off to their new home. We figured the lethargy was a normal reaction to the stress of the vet visit, the vaccines, and losing two of her playmates. I'd seen it before with kittens and they normally pulled out of it in a few days, going back to their normal, destructive-as-only-kittens-can-be selves.

Loki, however, also had the remnants of a cold. So when she didn't bounce back by the weekend, we weren't particularly worried because even though she didn't seem too interested in playing, she was eating (a mixture of expensive baby food, kitten food and Pedialyte) and liked to wander around the house. The only worrisome thing to me was her occasional coughing and rapid breathing...but since I'd also seen that in cats with colds before (all seven of mine went down with kitty colds a few years back and it took them several weeks to recover) my alarms didn't go off. After all, her appetite was much better than my cats' had been when they had their colds.

Dave promised to keep a close watch on her over the weekend while I was gone. When I talked to him Saturday night, he said she still hadn't changed or improved, so I asked him to make an appointment at the vet's for her Monday afternoon. I'd take the quick route home and get her in for a check-up. The vet, however, was jam-packed. No appointments for two weeks. Which is crazy, in my opinion. Okay, I'd deal with it when I got back, take her into another vet. And when I talked to Dave again Sunday evening, he reported that Loki was poking around the house exploring and seemed to be feeling better. No worries. At least not too many.

So the last thing I expected when I walked up to the front door was to be told that she was dead. Dave had gotten home right before me and discovered our poor little girl stretched out on the office floor, cold and stiff. It looked as though she'd died in her sleep...but it broke my heart that she died alone. Maybe Raven was with her...cats have a sense for these things.

When another of my cats had to be put to sleep, Brian and I had the vet come to the house so she could die in comfortable and familiar surroundings. We pet Luna as the vet gave her the injection. Then Beezle, who had enjoyed Luna's mothering nature, jumped up on the bed and curled up around her as if to keep her warm on her way out. I hope that Raven was with Loki at the end.

I wrapped Loki in one of my shirts while Dave dug a grave in the backyard next to Tabitha, our old roommate's cat who died last year. We put a cairn of brick and shells on the grave, then toasted her with buffalo grass vodka, one sip each, the rest poured onto the cairn to send her off to Kitty Valhalla.

We think it was a congenital heart defect triggered by stress. I read up on feline symptoms in the Natural Cat and the only thing that matched up with the shallow, rapid breathing and coughing combined with a healthy appetite was heart problems. It's comforting to think that there's nothing that could have been done even if we'd taken her to the vet's last week...but both Dave and I are still wondering if we dropped the ball and cost Loki her life.

I'm trying not to beat myself up, but I'm pretty good at doing just that when an animal is involved. But I'm trying. We remind ourselves that if we hadn't taken her in, Loki would have died over a month ago in a cold, sterile environment. With us, she got warmth, love, and a chance to be a kitten for at least a few weeks.

That all being said...it just really hurts.

Raven is due to go to her home in a few days. Loki was going to go with her. That made the pain of giving them up a lot easier to think about. The family assures me that they'll get another kitten so Raven isn't on her own. But I know there'll be as many tears when Raven leaves as there was when we buried Loki. She likes to get on my lap, kiss my face, then climb up on my shoulder and drape like a mink stole.

Why do I do this foster mother thing again? Someone please remind me.

I was going to post a picture of Loki, but fucking Blogger isn't cooperating. So I'll put one up later.