Just when you thought it was safe to turn on Sci-Fi Channel...

Okay, it's NEVER safe to turn on Sci-Fi Channel. They are the home of craptitude. Truly bad 'original' movies. The definition of 'original' has evidently mutated to include derivative pieces of cinematic poo, like COBRA. KOMODO. CURSE OF THE KOMODO. PYTHON. PYTHON VERSUS COBRA. And now...KOMODO VERSUS COBRA.

Ah me...for a connoisseur of bad movies, Sci-Fi Channel is the motherlode of bad fun. KOMODO VERSUS COBRA was no exception, and I only saw the last half hour.

Premise: A news team headed by a famous anchorwoman (played by SURVIVOR villainous Jerri) and a group of environmentalists (led by 20 somethings I've never heard of) charter a boat (captained by Michael Pare, of STREETS OF FIRE and cocaine addiction fame) to an island where a group of scientists (headed by a 20 something 'beautiful scientist' who looks as though she just MIGHT have graduated from high school, but there's no way in hell she's gotten a Master's Degree) have created a DNA mutation that makes little things get big.

Viagra, eat your heart out.

Anyway, little cobras are now 40 feet long. Little komodo dragons are the size of dinosaurs. And leaches are about a foot long and shaped like a wrinkly albino carrot. We learn this when three of 'em attach themselves to the young and annoying male environmentalist's back. He's now possibly infected by this DNA mutation. Will he grow bigger? His girlfriend seems oblivious to the possibilities. She's concerned about his fever, the fact that he's 'not doing well.' At least not according to the beautiful female scientist.

They have to hike across this island to a plateau on the highest possible summit, requiring a grueling climb (which we don't see) . The filmmaker tries to generate tension by indicating that the leeched environmentalist can't possibly make the climb. Michael Pare says 'he'll make it. I'll help him.' And proceeds to haul him along, while not bothering to take the environmentalist's backpack, which has got to be irritating the hell out of those leech wounds.

Oh well, this is Sci Fi Channel. We don't ask for logic. We ask for scintillating dialogue like:

Beautiful Scientist: It's funny. The last time I was on a beach was a party when I was in college.

Michael Pare: (pause) Sounds like a good time.

Beautiful Scientist: (longer pause) It was.

Cut to other characters for at least five minutes. Back to Michael and jailbait scientist.

Beautiful Scientist: Were you ever in college? (Making us wonder what the hell they were talking about for the last five minutes).

Doesn't anyone even TRY to write decent dialogue in these things?

And, since it's Sci-Fi Channel, swearing ain't allowed. I'll give this movie points for goofy originality because instead of over-dubbing replacement words for 'shit' and 'bitch', they just inserted a convenient jungle animal squawk over the naughty word in question. Kind of a cross between a monkey, a parrot, and a very squeaky door. At no other time do we actually hear this particular noise, say, when they're hiking through the jungle or sitting by a fire. Nope, only when a character swears. Who would have thunk jungle beasties would be so censorious?

My favorite part is the climax (I'm being very kind here) when Michael Pare, Beautiful Scientist, now dead Environmentalist's girlfriend, and anchorwoman, are in the helicopter, which Just. Won't. Start. As the komodo and the cobra battle it out (I guess they had to justify the title) in a badly choreographed clash of CGI titans, Michael jumps out of the helicopter while the girls scream, runs over to a panel, opens it... and flicks a switch that might very well have said "Off/On." Kind of like the Krusty the Clown doll in the Simpsons that was set on Evil instead of Good.

Whatever.

I'm now watching SABRE TOOTH. It at least has the virtue of starring the sexy actor who plays Sawyer in LOST, as well as that 'I'm just picking up a paycheck' whore, John Rhys Davis. And some woman with enough collagen to make her lips viable as a pillow. And a badly CGI'd sabre tooth. You can see these actors trying their best. And it's definitely better than KOMODO VERSUS COBRA.

And with that ringing endorsement, I'm gonna go to bed now...