Zhadi's Den

Random essays on wine, writing, moving to San Francisco, surfing, cats (exotic and otherwise) and zombies...depending on my mood.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Shades of Gray

That's how I'm viewing the world and my life right now. And not in the good "I can see all sorts of shades in situations, not just black and white" kind of way, but more along the lines of "my world is bleak and the horizon filled with an endless vista of gray..." Goth vision. Back of hand on forehead, woe as me type deal. It's kind of embarrassing, because while my wardrobe has always veered into Gothesque, I've never taken myself seriously enough to be a Goth. And I don't want to start in my mid-forties, fer crissake.

I was feeling better, but I guess that getting sick, along with hormonal fluctuations and waiting for 8 days of Zomig to flush from my system, knocked me right back into the Gray Zone. Confusion over my impending divorce, feeling distanced from friends and family, feeling...well, very alone right now. Scared of sameness. Scared of repeating mistakes. Scared that these sharp painful waves of nostalgia will never stop. Wanting to feel enthusiastic about something other than a good glass of wine.

I'm fostering two kittens, about three months old. They were rescued from a shelter the day they were going to be euthanized by a fellow cat crazy gal in my neighborhood. She heard of my reputation for being good with ferals and asked if I'd be willing to take them so they can be adopted into good homes. It's time intensive, but I figure that maybe doing something worthwhile will blow some of these gray clouds away. They hiss when I come in the room and open the cage, but don't try to bite or scratch when I take 'em out and hold them. I can take being hissed at. And they're awfully dang cute. One is a gray and silver marbled tabby and the other a long haired silvery gray cutie with a face like an owl, all big eyes and tufted ears.

Anyone want a kitten?


  • At 4:50 PM, Blogger FreeThinker said…

    How about some photos of these kittens, to spur the maternal instincts of potential adopters?

  • At 4:52 PM, Blogger zhadi said…

    As soon as I find my digital camera, I'm on it. Plus I'd like to get pictures when they're NOT hissing...

  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said…

    No kittens for me, please. I don't think Caesar would appreciate the competition.

    Might this be a bit of a midlife crisis?

  • At 11:40 AM, Blogger zhadi said…

    *snort*. Caesar would love them. But not in a good way.

    No, it's the other end of my personality spectrum, which tends to be all optimistic and that sort of thing. Pollyanna MacBeth, that's me! I think women tend to go through a series of life crisises or major changes that have nothing to do with age. Although getting older, one looks back on things that we didn't take advantage of when we should have. Or appreciate when we should have, like how GOOD we looked when we thought we were fat.

    And I really don't think we'd have any sort of mid-life crisis if there wasn't the constant subliminal (and not so subtle) reminders that age is not valued in this society, especially if you're female.

  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger Other Lisa said…

    I think if you have time to think, then you'll probably have a midlife crisis. Because there is always going to be the sense of possibilities shutting down, of things not done that will never be done, of mistakes that can't be rectified. I somewhere read the phrase, "the tigers of regret." You just can't get to a certain point in your life without a few of those, I believe.

    Also, I am struck by the extent to which depression feels like an illness, a sort of flu. I can do all the right things to try and fight it off (exercise, not isolate, creative work, read a good book) and it still will not lift until it's run its course. And that is pretty scary, because it doesn't feel like something one can really control.

    But do all those good things anyway. Take the walks, pet the cats, see friends, and do your creative work if you can. Even when you don't feel like it. I firmly believe that if you put the time in, eventually you will get that energy back in the form of enthusiasm and enjoyment.

  • At 9:25 PM, Blogger zhadi said…

    I've also noticed that my depressions come in tandem WITH something like the flu...and yeah, they have to run their course. I guess we can equate the good things (walks, petting cats, etc.) with taking vitamins and medicine - they may not get rid of the flu, but they help us feel better while we're suffering from it.

    Tsavo feels the cure for my depression is to groom my hair. Cat spit is amazing for shaping ones bangs...


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